It's late into the night.. and I am really tired.. but I can't fall asleep.. perhaps it's the news that I should be happy, but it didnt make me happy as it should have. Perhaps it's the thought of work on a saturday morning, or the realisation of how my weekend is burnt without any rest before monday begins again. Or perhaps it's the thought of how overwhelming the next few months will be. Or maybe it's cause I am expecting a goodnight text which didnt appear.. or perhaps its really just everything lumped together and yes.. it became dread and the knowledge that once I closed my eyes, the next time I woke up, I will have to grit my teeth and go about my day.

I thought I would be happy... but when I saw my name appear, I thought it may have been connections that made it happen. That it is not through my own efforts.. that perhaps without the connections, it wouldnt have appear. Perhaps its the knowledge that I am not satisfied with the final work, that I thought I could have done better but could not because of my lack of knowledge and skills to portray what I really want to show.. perhaps its the lack of my nationality that makes me sad, and perhaps.. its the thought of how I will have no time to actually really go about implementing it.

Jap exam tml.. and I am totally not prepared for it. And I do not have time to really study for it during anytime before lesson. Perhaps its the packed schedule that makes me grimace. And perhaps its the fact that I implement so many courses on myself that makes me out of breath. Or really, when it boils down to it.. its the fact that I have to face that list of plants again tml.. and liase with everyone.. with all the changes and monetary values that keeps revolving in my head... I am really overwhelmed and it sux...